September 20, 2021 - Reading time: 2 minutes

Communication rules in healthy happy relationships. There is an increasingly widespread idea that the important thing for people to keep in mind when entering a union our their feelings as well as the feelings of their partner. These can often get lost in the hubbub. According to this idea, our feelings should be the compass that guide the relationships between two people, influence them when making decisions, decide what is right or wrong, define the aspects of their relationship that they want to develop.

It's been often put aside in favor of one's will and intelligence, today it is seen as one of three important factors, which is also the key element in the relationship because it was common belief that it's going to be the easiest sense of reason to follow. This is seen a lot at work especially when we "feel tired" (feelings/emotions are exhausting to handle at times) we don't finish our job well, rather than being strong and doing it right.

This makes sense.

Therefore it also makes sense that the same be applied to the principle of marriage, this would work so long as we are clear about our feelings, so rather than when you stop "feeling" love for the spouse, the marriage loses its meaning. Taken from this perspective it is no wonder that it is increasingly widespread phenomena. That is to say when feelings begin to disappear a couple's coexistence is made into an uphill battle. Situations like these ultimately begin to force many people to start looking outside for what they do not find inside. Instead of focusing their attention and effort on regaining or rebuilding that love, they get carried away with what they feel is the easiest solution: feeling like victims and seeking comfort elsewhere.

The notion that something so fundamental and natural affects such intimate aspects of people -- as love cannot be based exclusively on something as fragile and brittle as feelings -- that by their very nature are oscillating and subject to ups and downs that. In fact in most cases they do not merely depend on the will of oneself. As most well know feelings depend on many factors, both of which are internal and external to oneself. Factors such as climatology, tiredness, hormonal disarrays, stress, etc... make our feelings and moods vary greatly. Marriage must be entrenched and built on something more solid like than emotion, but it cannot survived with will and intelligence alone. It must be guided by the heart and head, which makes an intelligent love, a lasting bond.

August 6, 2020 - Reading time: 9 minutes

Today there is increasing talk of the increase in divorces and separations, most of us know of a marriage that is close to ruin, or one that has ended in divorce but is only anecdotal as there are also millions of happy marriages that remain anonymous and it is time to make them fashionable, not for them, but because society needs it.

We should not be afraid of failure in our marriage if things are done well from the beginning, because contrary to popular belief the success of marriage does not depend on luck. I have several married friends who have already separated, their marriages did not even last three years, why? One of the main reasons is because they felt that there was no love in their relationship anymore.

But the silly notion should be rephrased, because they didn't not love their partner anymore. You see for there to be love, you have to love. It sounds like a very simple reasoning, but it's not that complicated. We can look at this deeper. It tells us that love is a noun and therefore reflects states, love is a verb and therefore reflects action. Love is static, it doesn't move, it doesn't change, it doesn't grow, it doesn't recover, if it's not loved. Love needs the action of love to create a reaction. That's why love just as it comes is gone and is that to stay you need the verb to love. What is the solution when there is no love anymore? Love, love more. There is a well-known proverb that goes something like: You have to sow love, where there is no love, to reap love.

Perhaps this is one of the keys to the difference between infatuation and love. Infatuation comes and goes, love is wanted, you seek it, and you work toward building it into something great.

Marriage is work, but it a work of love.

What does it cost something? Because if you don't nurture and tend to it, invest in its wellbeing it doesn't feel the same anymore. It isn't a lack of love. It is a lack of effort. Of course it costs. There's no free beer in life (as my father used to remind his friends). But everything that is worth it, also cost something; either tangible or intangible, the price is present at all times.

Besides, that what does it mean to "feel?"

Definitely the solidity of a marriage cannot be supported by the thought that today I feel like I love you, tomorrow I may feel nothing for you. That isn't what most would define as love. But talking with some of my friends it is as simple as that, taken from this idea I get the feeling that it is increasingly widespread. That when these feelings disappear coexistence is made into any uphill battle, many people start looking outside for what they do not find inside. Instead of focusing their attention and effort on regaining or rebuilding that love they once shared, they get carried away with what they feel is the easiest option: feeling like victims and seeking comfort elsewhere. Something like this is so fundamental, yet drastically affects such intimate aspects of people lives, for this love cannot be based exclusively on something as fragile and brittle as the feelings one feels at this moment. Feelings, by their very nature are oscillating and subject to ups and downs that, in most cases, do not depend on a persons will. They depend on many factors, factors that are internal and external to oneself, some of them are under our control - whether we control them is another thing entirely. Other factors are out of our control, these include such things as climate, tiredness, hormonal disarray and stress make our feelings and moods vary. Marriage must be entrenched and built on something more solid like will and intelligence than one the fluctuation of a whim.

On the other hand, thought must always carry a sentimental component and not only be based on reason. That is, it must be guided by the heart and head, which makes an intelligent love. The true seat of intelligence is not only reason but also the heart.

An intelligent heart and a sensitive reason form an unstoppable duo.

There are aspects of life that are so natural that little to no attention is paid to them. It seems that their development and growth is purely automatic. So it happens too often with marriage that the thought that love is also automatic. What could be more natural? Husbands and wives love each other, right? Why would they get married if they didn't? However the greatest danger of letting this happen naturally is that, being considered natural, it is understood that there is no need to worry about or work for it. This couldn't be further from the truth, the love is there sure, but it still needs to be nurtured. That is precisely why I think that we should devote time to the relationship and build love between the partners. Never, even on the best days should we take anything for granted. From the first moment you feel the butterflies in your stomach you have to take care of that love so that it grows and grows stronger. I know people who tend to think that strong love is one that happens on its own, it sort of awakens this explosive passion and brings with it strong feelings and this in itself is a great danger to true love. The strongest love is the one that means loving the other every day, not making it dependent on strong emotions. You need to learn to love and love precisely when love doesn't seem strong because emotions are lacking. To do this, it is necessary to know what are some of the causes that are the generators of the inevitable crises that occur in all marriages.

The question is not: How much can I benefit, but how much can I give in marriage? Other causes are the bad character traits we each have in one form or another, the routine, the attention to the media that transmits negative values, or pride and selfishness, which are the origin of almost all defects, just as humility and simplicity, are the foundation of almost all qualities.

There is a belief as false as it is diffuse, it holds that when love exists, there should be no difficulties or obstacles. In this way, when conflicts come up, it is interpreted that love is losing strength and quality.

One of the best articles on marriage I have read defined the keys of success in marriage based on a survey of one hundred couples (sorry I can't find a link to it right now) from different countries, with a minimum of ten years of marital life. The participants where asked it they considered their union to be happy, even if some conflicts existed which they considered normal were not lacking in their lives. The couples who responded the happiest shared their success factors:

• Avoid words, actions or gestures that are offenses by all means.
• Learn to shut up and avoiding useless arguments.
• Accept the other as is and love them with their flaws.
• Talk after a dispute, do not let them turn to wounds.
• Whoever gives up the effort to make the marriage work has signed the death sentence of their marriage. It's about fighting, not always winning.
• Always influence the affection, a kiss can be given in a thousand ways, a held hand, or holding open the door, there are a thousand ways to show you care.
• Marry for life: be clear that marriage is forever.
• Use all of your resources to keep the relationship in good condition and prevent potential conflicts: speak up on time, acknowledge mistakes, know how to apologize and know how to give in.
• Living together as people who love each other: Sincerity, trust (avoid having secrets with each other), understanding, respect, good manners, delicacy in treatment, being quiet, knowing how to listen, not always having the last word.
• Take care of the small details every day that make life more pleasant for each other.
• Do not keep a record of the spouse's transgressions, nor throw things in their face. Try to live in the present and look forward to the future.

The secret of marital happiness lies in everyday life, not in dreams. Happier couples don't always have the best of everything, they just know how to get the best out of what they have.

Basically the human virtues that most of us strive for everyday are the secret that lead to maturity and happiness. The acquisition of virtues in marriage leads to finding one's own happiness seeking the happiness of the other. Happiness is not achieved by striving to be happy, but by seeking to make others happy. Happiness is the result of a life of dedication to others; that's why you can be happy even if you suffer. Spending part of the day thinking about small things that can improve the relationship with the spouse means "shielding" the marriage. It is not only enough to be a husband or a wife, but to be a content spouse, that is, to behave as such.

Problems are calmed not by a shout, but with a caress.